What Happened during 2014 and now

I didn't think I would come to tell anyone about this, but I've decided to be brave and tell people about why I left dA and what happened while I was gone. I was fighting depression, alcoholism and such. I'm hoping that I can encourage others who have the same problems as me to not stay quiet about it.


All my life I've had my doubts about my sexuality, my first crush was a girl but I denied that to myself because I didn't know about same sex couples at the time. Anyway I learned about it later in life, but I soon met a girl who would turn out to be the definition of a psychopath. Without getting too much into detail let's just say she forced me to come out too early for me to think it over, and before I knew it we were in a sort of relationship. It was the biggest regret of my life, she was extremely controlling, she emotionally abused me and constantly blackmailed me with threatening to out me on social media if I spoke against her. I was beyond scared and all of this had taken a massive toll on my mental health, I was always filled with uncertainty and fear all because I was afraid of people knowing who I was and judging me for it. I was really unhappy 😞

One week after my birthday was when it happened...


I wanted to have a birthday night out with my best friend and close friends, but I didnt want her to come with me as she gets very jealous and hates anyone I'm affiliated with. So anyway I snuck out and honestly it was the first time I'd felt like myself again, even with the constant fear that I'd get caught. My at the time girlfriend must have sent one of her pals to stalk me because she found out that I'd snuck out with friends without telling her. The day after was the ice breaker.


I logged onto Facebook the next day and she messaged me saying "Check your profile." My blood turned to ice and I saw she has tagged me in countless statuses saying that I was a disgusting dyke and basically calling me every nasty name under the sun aimed at my sexuality, she also made up rumours that I slept with two girls the night before (and some other stuff I'd rather not put on here). Suffice to say I was horrified and very scared more than I'd ever been in my life to the point I felt physically sick. But at that moment I knew what I had to do, I had to put my fears aside and tell my parents before they saw it, and finally confront her about it. So that's exactly what I did, and I had a mental breakdown when I told them everything. Surprisingly my parents were very supportive and did everything they could to help me get her out my life for good, and when I logged back onto Facebook I was amazed at the shower of positive support from friends alike, apparently my best friend stepped in and called her out on Facebook for her emotional abuse, lies, control and manipulation towards me, suffice to say she had to deactivate her account because of the barrage of hate messages on what she had done to me.

You'd think things would end there right? Everything lived happily ever after? Unfortunately that wasn't the case afterwards.

The whole ordeal left me with my anxiety very severe and my once happy and bubbly attitude was long gone, I had no confidence in myself or anyone after that 😞 I started self harming but I soon stopped thanks to the help of my best friend.

That's when I started drinking alcohol, at first it was only on weekends with friends but soon anytime I felt depressed I'd down anything I could find to blur out the pain I felt in my head and chest, every weekend I'd come home drunk but aware of what I was doing so not to let on to my mum.

I had also became suicidal, I didn't want to flat out kill myself as I couldn't let my family know that I was feeling that way and leave them blaming themselves and wondering what could they have done to help me. So although I wasn't willing to harm myself I had become very reckless and put myself in harms way a lot by getting flat out drunk, refusing to eat much and even hitching lifts with strangers home, something I would've never considered doing when I was younger.

The start of this year was when things took a downward turn, I went out with friends and one of my friends brought two bottles of vodka and as you might have guessed I threw back shot after shot. I didn't care that I could cause myself harm, all I wanted was to blur out my problems. I had constant thoughts in my head going "Ah fuck it if I die no one'll care anyway". However when I went outside to head home I fell unconscious, lucky my best friend was with me and carried me to his house where he phoned an ambulance. He told me later that I looked asleep but I wasn't breathing right and I was cold as ice (it was winter time when this took place). After spending the night at the hospital and getting my stomach pumped I finally came around and woke to my mum crying next to me.

I can't describe how it feels to see your own mother cry because of something you did to endanger yourself without any care, it crushed me and made me realise what I was doing and what path I was going down.

The nurse told me I was three times over the drinking limit and my body temperature had dropped sharply so my heart slowed down, she said had I been even a half hour late to the hospital I would've certainly lost my life. I feel lucky to even be alive right now but I feel extreme guilt for putting myself in so much danger. I decided to make myself change for the better, I went to therapy for depression and had a lot of help from SafeTalk at my college.

It's been 5 months now and I haven't touched a drop of alcohol since, I have a job now and I'm applying again for college next year. I'm even seeing someone now and it's going fantastic. My friends and family accept that I'm in a same gender relationship and honestly life couldn't be better, sure I'll never be the immature and naive girl I once was, but I'm happy and I've matured up a fair bit since finding my feet again 😊

Things do get better, it took me a while but I made it in the end. Since then I'm a lot more mature, responsible and self aware. So anyone who is out there with similar problems don't hide it, speak to someone you can trust because the damage caused is phenomenal, I didn't realise it till I was far down the path. If someone you're in a relationship with doesn't make you happy, do not stay with that person, you deserve better and there is someone out there who can and will make you happy ❤️


Apologies for the novel entry, but hopefully me telling you this will help those in need realise that behind every dark cloud, there's sunshine. Stay classy and happy friends 😝✌️